


Shaking Like A Leaf

by orphan_account



Series: Sanders Sides Fics [3]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Angst, Could be read as suicidal, Gen, Hell I'm gunna put that tag anyway, Hopeful Ending, Negative Thoughts, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 15:33:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17625038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: To the Reader:Logan suggested writing in this thing might help with my anxieties and various insecurities. Ha. Anxiety has anxiety. Anyway, this is pointless. Everything is pointless.





	Shaking Like A Leaf

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger Warnings:  
> Anxiety  
> Depression  
> Suicidal Thoughts

~~Hello to future Me.~~

~~Dear Diary,~~

~~Sup.~~

To the Reader:

 

Logan suggested writing in this thing might help with my anxieties and various insecurities. Ha. Anxiety has anxiety. Anyway, this is pointless. Everything is pointless. I am a fragment of someone. A piece on the chessboard. A rather intimidating piece, but a piece nonetheless. I am Anxiety. It’s my job to be fearful, agitated, forever tense, always seeing an enemy where there are only friends present. Constantly afraid.

 

Afraid. I never know what I’m afraid of. Most times it’s just a lurking shadow that only I can see. It curls around the mindscape and twists around my ~~supposed~~ family. It hangs like a light fog, I can still see, but it only condenses when there is reason to fear. Logan and his cognitive distortions can suck it.

 

Anyway this was ~~a bit therapeutic~~ useless. I don’t think I’ll write in here ever again.

 

* * *

 

To the Reader:

 

Here I am again. I feel like such a hypocrite. I’m surprised I’m not ~~Danger Noodle~~ Deceit with how much I lie.

 

_Are you okay buddy?_ Yes Patton. I’m good.

_Hey Surly Temple, you’re not looking too hot. Spill some tea._ ‘M Fine.

_Virgil you appear to be ‘under the weather’. Are you not in optimum health?_ I’m not sick.

 

I’m not sick. I am in good health. Emotionally… not so much. They care. Who am I kidding? _They_ don’t want me. I’m so different from _Them._ I’m worthless. _They’re_ better off without me. Thomas is better off without me.  I’m supposed to be his knight in shining armor. I’m supposed to face off against all the shadows and come out victorious. Or at least reach a compromise. But I’m weak. I’m not a lover or a fighter. I’m a runner. I ran. I’m still running.

 

The anxieties will always prey on the weak. They encompass like a storm. They wrap around me, tearing into barely healed scars. They call me under, they try to reach up and grab at me, they try to drown me. I am Anxiety. I do this to Thomas.  I let the shadows stop him from becoming more. I hold him back. The shadows pierce straight through me and cloud his vision. It’s cold like winter but it feels as if they are burning me up.

 

~~Sometimes I wish I could die.~~

 

* * *

 

To the Reader:

 

Sometimes I feel like an alien. Not human, something to be poked at, prodded at and examined. Then once figured out, discarded. They feel disgusted by me. I saw it in their faces. They don't like me. I don't regret leaving the dark sides. But right now I'm regretting trying to join the light sides. They deserve better. Not broken imperfect me. Drowning in insecurities. They're so golden. And lively. And they contribute. I tear down anything they try to build. Why do they care so much? I’m not worthy. I’m an ugly beast. A monster.

 

I need to get out. They won't miss me. ~~I'm going to miss them.~~

 

* * *

 

To the Reader:

 

I have already told you I'm a runner. It’s quiet in the Subconscious. Peaceful. It looks gray. No light sides, no dark sides. Just gray. It’s like outer space. I'm just floating around, lost in the gray. Sometimes clouds full of colors drift past. The gray just absorbs it. It’s kinda depressing here. ~~I need to find a way back. I wish I never came here.~~ I’m sure they are doing much better now. I need to write something in case I get absorbed.

 

To Roman:

Look, I know we had our differences. You hate me, I pretend it doesn't affect me. Since you’ll never see me again I suppose I can tell you a few things. I envy you. I wish I could be brave. I wish I could be unafraid. I wish I could save people. But I can't. I’m the monster you slay. I’m the villain.

Sorry I took your mighty triumph over evil away.

 

To Logan:

I hate you. I hate how you saw through everything. I hate you you tried to help me. I don't need it. I never wanted your pity. Although it was nice to have someone to share in reality with.

~~Thanks for trying to help. It never would have worked anyway.~~

 

To Patton:

You made a huge mistake. You let me stay with you. Poor poor Patton, to naive to see the wolf dressed as a sheep. I can never be one of you. I’m a dark side. Word of Advice: Don’t trust people. They’ll only hurt you.

I know you never truly cared. You knew I was too different.

 

I hope to never see any of you three again.

 

To Thomas:

You are better off without me. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I always held you back. I'm sorry I kept you from dreaming big and making it happen. Take care of yourself. I’m going to disappear and never see you again. I know that'll make you happy.

Sorry it took me so long to realize you never cared.

Sorry it took me so long to leave.

 

* * *

 

To the Reader:

 

I’m back now.

They found me.

They went into the Subconscious to find me.

They do care.

And I’m beginning to believe them.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I Hope you Liked It!  
> Strand me in a forest if there are any mistakes!
> 
> Based off the song I of the Storm by Of Monsters and Men  
> Here's the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlCkafSYNJI&l
> 
>  
> 
> Please, Please, Please seek help if you are suicidal.  
> If you feel like you have nobody to talk to I'll talk to you.
> 
> One of my closest friends is suicidal.  
> When I found out I couldn't stop crying.  
> I wish she could understand how much so many people in her life care about her.
> 
> There are people who care about you.  
> Never give up hope.  
> Life is fragile.  
> You are here for a reason.  
> There is so much to live for.
> 
> Take Care
> 
> ~FFT


End file.
